DE: Eine Kolumne mit Kelly Kosel, in der an Gefühlen gefummelt, Fäden verfolgt und Themen rund um Sexualität, Körper, Intimität und Beziehungen eingeladen werden.

FR: Une chronique qui s’adresse aux émotions pour démêler certaines de vos questions sur le sexe, les relations, le corps et l‘intimité.

EN: An Advice Column that fiddles about feelings to untangle some of your questions about sex, relationships, bodies and intimacy.

A reader writes:

Hi there! I’m currently looking for a psychologist, but I don’t know where to start. I’m queer and I’m worried that my psychologist won’t understand me. Do you have any advice on how to go about this?

I was really pleased to receive this question! Professional psychological support can be absolutely wonderful – therapy has certainly made my life a lot easier. To get the most out of it, you need to find the right person to support you. Hopefully, this step-by-step guide will help you with that.

Step 1: What kind of support are you looking for?

There is a difference between psychological counselling and psychotherapy. In short:

Psychological counselling can be a one-off session, regular sessions or provided as needed. Counselling is carried out by psychologists who have completed several years of study in psychology. You may have already encountered psychologists at school, at work, in social settings or in medical facilities. They often work in specific counselling centres that you can contact. If you don’t want to start psychotherapy (yet) and just fancy having a chat with someone, you can contact the following counselling centres free of charge:

Familljen-Center. The Familljen-Center’s main areas of focus are family, relationships, break-ups and generally difficult life situations. They also have a specific focus on LGBTIQ+ people.
CIGALE. The LGBTIQ+ Centre offers (psychological) counselling. Another form of support is provided by the CIGALE groups (e.g. Young Queers, Coming Out Later in Life, Neurodiversity, BiPan, Rainbow 4 Health, queer parents, parents of queer children, …).
infoMann. If you are a man, you can seek advice here. They seem open to queer people. Unfortunately, I don’t know what the service is like for trans men and masc-presenting non-binary people. (Feel free to message me if you have any experiences to share!)
Omega90. If you’re looking for support regarding grief, illness and death, then Omega90 is a good place to go – I’ve heard from queer people who have felt well taken care of there.

Outside of state-funded counselling centres, you’ll have to pay for sessions with psychologists yourself, as the CNS health insurance only reimburses sessions with psychotherapists and psychiatrists.

Psychotherapy is a regular, long-term form of support (lasting at least several months, usually a few years). Therapy is provided by psychotherapists – these are often psychologists or psychiatrists with additional training in psychotherapy. Within this long-term relationship, complex issues (including trauma) can be addressed and resolved.

There are many different approaches in psychotherapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy, systemic therapy, trauma therapy, EMDR, psychoanalysis, body-based therapy, etc. Ultimately, the relationship between you and your therapist is often more important than their specific type of therapy training.

“You’ve already taken the most important step: deciding to start therapy. Now comes the step where you may need a bit of patience: finding the right therapist.”

Step 2: If you wish to undergo psychotherapy, request a referral.

To have the costs covered by the CNS, you need a prescription from a doctor. If you do not feel comfortable asking your GP for this, you can see another doctor. There are three different prescriptions for cost reimbursement:

  • Sessions of initial psychotherapy (SP01). This prescription is for 3 introductory sessions (and you can collect it up to 90 days after the first session). You can submit this to the CNS once every 5 years.
  • Sessions for supportive psychotherapy (SP02). This prescription is for 24 subsequent sessions – once you have this prescription, therapy must begin within 90 days. You can also submit this once every 5 years.
  • Sessions for extended supportive psychotherapy (SP03). This prescription is for a further 120 in-depth sessions.

For adults, 70% of the costs are covered; for children (under 17), it is 100%. Please also check the CNS website under ‘Psychotherapy’ for full details.

Step 3: Finding a therapist.

You’ve already taken the most important step: deciding to seek therapy. Now comes the step where you might need a little patience: finding the right therapist. The best place to start is the “Psyregister” of the Société Luxembourgeoise de Psychologie (SLP). This is a kind of therapist directory where you can set various search criteria: the therapist’s gender, therapy training, languages, therapy topics, type of financial contribution, or earliest availability.

Unfortunately, there is (as yet) no list of “queer-friendly therapists”, so I would advise you to trust your instincts for now. Select the search criteria in the “Psyregister” that are important to you and make a list of the people who intuitively appeal to you the most. Leave your list for a few days, then look at it again and choose two or three people to write to first.

Step 4: Draft an email and send it to 2–3 therapists.

Write an email in which you briefly introduce yourself, describe your issues and ask for an initial consultation. If you’re unsure, ask a trusted friend for feedback. Then make a plan to send this email to two or three therapists within a specific timeframe. It can help if a friend is there when you press the send button – or if you ask someone else to check whether you’ve really sent the email.

Expect that some therapists may not have any therapy slots available or may have long waiting lists. Although it’s sometimes not easy to get an initial appointment, it can be useful to meet two different therapists for an initial consultation. The comparison points can help you understand what is important to you in a therapist. Ideally, the two initial consultations should be only a few days or weeks apart so that you can make a decision promptly. (Note: Do not have several initial consultations on the same day, as the CNS will only reimburse one session per day!)

Step 5: Initial consultation(s) and evaluation.

My tip before the initial consultation: Don’t have overly high expectations and at the same time, make sure all your minimum requirements are met. You can think beforehand about what you want from ‘at least’ your future therapist. For example: “has no problem with the fact that I’m gay” or “knows roughly what non-binary means” or “doesn’t need to know what non-binary means, but must be willing to have it explained to them and then not make any stupid comments about it.”

After the initial consultation, pay attention to how you’re feeling. You can make notes about how you feel immediately after meeting them and a few days later. Talk to your trusted friends or family about it. If you’re unsure how to decide, you can also drop by the CIGALE counselling centre for a consultation or discuss it in the “Rainbow 4 Health” group.

Step 6: Decision (start therapy or keep looking).

Now is the time to decide whether the therapist or therapists you met during the initial consultation are a good fit for you. As mentioned, one of the most important factors for successful therapy is the relationship between client and therapist. That’s why it’s important that you feel comfortable. This doesn’t mean the therapist has to be perfect or that you’ll agree on every single point. The relationship with your therapist is like most other relationships: all sorts of feelings can come up. What matters is how you both deal with those different feelings. You should feel confident enough to be able to communicate and explore all possible feelings and topics quite openly within the therapeutic relationship.

  • If you don’t feel comfortable enough, go back to Step 3 – ideally, you’ll still have one session left from the prescription (SP01) for another initial consultation. Fingers crossed for the next attempt!
  • If you feel you’re in good hands with a therapist, you can now collect your second prescription (SP02) and start your 24 sessions. Congratulations!

All websites at a glance:

illustration Jeff Mandres