I am a gay man with a dream. I dream of starting my own cult, one day. WTF?! That’s the usual response I get from curious listeners. Well, it’s because of a promise that I made to myself not long ago. If there is no place for me in this world, if there is no community that will accept me, I will make my own!
My story is quite clichéd to be honest – a little gay boy who dreams of love one day, to meet one openly gay man one day, to seek refuge in that one queer group one day. And just like that… with all the stars on my side, I moved to Luxembourg from a country that I was born and raised in but could never truly call my own.
The world was mine! I would finally have my first ever boyfriend, my first experience of love, to finally live something I couldn’t ever dream of… Well, I did get my first experience of something I had never thought of before – racism.
Before discussing racism, I must acknowledge that I have learned to consider people’s intentions before judging them. Sometimes people are just curious when they ask you about your origin, I know I often am. Or sometimes it is just a conversation starter. Coming from different cultures, upbringings and generations, we can always learn from each other. But my criticism is for those who refuse to listen, who refuse to see.
“Hey handsome, where are you from?”
“Luxembourg”, I said.
“No where are you really from?”
“India”, I replied, thinking the guy was just curious. What happened next? Blocked by him. Ghosted by more like him. “No rice, no curry, no soul”. “I block more Asians than the great wall of China”. “Not attracted to Black or Chinese or Indian looking guys”, they declare proudly. Sigh, maybe online dating wasn’t the best idea, let’s go to some actual gay parties… “Bonjour, Moien, Hallo” and a smile to all of my white friends (all meeting for the first time), but a formal handshake for me. The same thing from another guy, but this time, not even a handshake for me… Who needs an invisibility cloak when you have melanin? But what about Prides celebrating “inclusion”, “equality” and “visibility”? Boy they didn’t disappoint – to disappoint. Perhaps I should try some LGBTQ+ organizations! Shouldn’t a public figure in an LGBTIQ+ organization carry themselves differently? Shouldn’t they be a bit more approachable? Overall they are! But it baffles me that there is still a considerable number of members who are not. Within their own cliques, they are only accessible for people who look a certain way. I found it funny that, during the last election my friend showed me posters of CSV (a conservative party), noting how little racial diversity they had. I couldn’t help thinking, “Still more diverse than the local LGBTQ+ organization”!
All I had ever experienced in my new country so far was respect and a warm welcome from my straight friends and colleagues. At work, at the gym, people from all backgrounds would initiate conversations with me and treat me as an equal… But hey, there’s always a first time for everything… even if it is from the last place you would expect.
Again, no one is as blind as the one who refuses to see. I understand that people have “Racial Requirements Preferences” in dating or sex, even if we ignore the generalization of billions based on their race and deeming them undesirable in the absolute. But being friends with only the people who you are sexually attracted to, and only respecting those who you are sexually attracted to, is something I have never heard or seen outside of the gay male community. Hence, if making friends based on race is not the definition of the word “discrimination”, I don’t know what is. I would have once found it difficult to comprehend how gay men, who go through the same ostracisation, can be so bigoted. But thanks to my epiphany about humans needing to bully someone and to exclude someone to feel superior, it all makes sense.
Trying to understand their thinking further, I have discovered that attraction is indeed cultural. People don’t want to date people, people want to date fantasies. Who wouldn’t want an Italian boyfriend or an Australian surfer, a Viking or even an American Cowboy? I will not mention the fantasies associated with POCs*. Really, reflect on what comes to your mind when you think of a person from a specific ethnicity and that is my point exactly. If given a choice between someone you connect with and someone who makes you laugh OR someone who is goddamn hot, but with whom you don’t connect, but who you can show off to your friends and on social media, who would you choose to be with? Be honest, who would you swipe right on Tinder? I am a hypocrite to generalize, but I dare you to find a community of humans more superficial than gay men!
I realized that being a POC, I have to work twice as hard to get half as far. I can never compete with white privilege. No amount of gym, diet, dressing well, personality development, eating disorders, steroids, plastic surgery can compete with white privilege. The best I can hope for is to be some guy’s fetish – A yoga guru, who will reveal all secrets of life after a hot session of tantric sex! Sometimes it’s so ridiculous that I chuckle when I remember that one guy who said “Namaste” to me after sex!
Trying to explore the topic more, as I was desperate to find the love of my life, I talked to some of my experienced friends, some of whom were white and European. “Social Media has ruined everything”, one claimed, “It wasn’t like this before”. This got me curious and indeed curiosity killed the cat. All I did was look at the photos and connections, friends and followers of some guys. The KKK would be proud! Not a single person of color to be found among hundreds or thousands – in Luxembourg! In one of the most diverse countries in the world for decades now. Coincidence? I have my doubts.
If I couldn’t find love, I thought at least I would befriend some gay men outside of my circle. How do you do that? Through apps? Through meetups? As experience taught me: only through sex. Now I enjoy sex and exploration. But to say that I don’t regret having done things that I was never comfortable with but did them just to find companionship for the night, would be a lie. I thought that’s what being open minded meant. Because I have since realized that being open minded according to this community means taking two dicks down your throat, a fist and a leg up your ass, piss through your ear, shit up your nose, etc. I don’t mean to shame anyone who enjoys that kind of stuff – hell I have done some crazy stuff myself. But in my experience open minded straight people are more accepting of people. Open mindedness for gays means being more accepting of sexual stuff but not people. They take one look at you and if they are not sexually attracted to you, you are not a person in their eyes. They treat their sex toys better than you.
I no longer seek love. A broken heart can be mended, but hope once lost is irrecoverable. If I want to be a multi millionaire, there is a way. If I want to go to space, there is a way. If I want to be a president there is a way. Hell crazier even, if I want to own an apartment in Luxembourg, there is a way. But if I, as a brown gay man, want to find love in this community, I don’t see a way. No matter how positive or negative my perspective on life becomes, that doesn’t change reality. At least reality for me and many like me.
As I said before, my story is cliched and will be forgotten, ignored and dismissed like all the others. To anyone reading I just want to say: never let any INSATIABLE faggot, ever tell you that you are not enough! You are a human being and not a dildo. Let’s be honest, some of us will never find partners, but guess what, my love? Life goes on… Life is bigger than finding a relationship. And remember that what you see isn’t always the truth. Divorce, infidelity, manipulation, narcissism, domestic violence – they all exist. I wish I could have realized sooner that I have lived so far thanks to my wonderful friends and on my own and I will continue to do so. Ending up alone is not the problem, it’s the fear of ending up alone that is the problem – just stupid old anxiety that is the problem.
Just look at MISS Samantha Jones from Sex and the city. Watching the show I admired her for her unapologetic sexual adventures, but well thanks to my experience of: “No Sex And the City”, now I admire her for her emotional independence more. She shows us that even without a relationship, you can still be – Fabulous!
You see, this is what I would like to teach in my cult one day! Wouldn’t you rather join a cult where you would be celebrated than be in a community where you are merely tolerated and largely discarded based on your race and looks?
I would like to thank all the women, lesbians, drag queens and trans people in this community as well as the few men who have been my unequivocal supporters. We have all the rights we have today thanks to trans people, especially trans women of color, while gay men have contributed the least but benefited the most. I haven’t even touched upon the blatant transphobia, sexism, femmephobia, ageism, sizeism, etc., so common among gay men in this article. In conclusion I would like to suggest an addition of a few more letters in LGBT, making it LGBTKKK, a white supremacy group that it truly is.
Illustration: Charlotte Muniken
