Do your friends disappear into romantic-sexual relationships, nuclear families and/or full-time jobs? Did you come out (late) or do you otherwise get to know yourself again? Are your long-term relationships like a comfortable pair of sneakers and you long for a new pair of red boots? Do you sometimes have a yearning for community and a table full of people you like on Friday nights? Then this column is for you. A text for all adults who are looking for new friendships.
Finding friends that we don’t meet (depending on our stage of life) through school, education in general or (new) work is sometimes not so easy. And even if we have lots of relationships (friendly, familial, sexual, romantic, etc.), that doesn’t mean we feel part of a community or communities. So here’s some inspiration on how to find new friends and communities:
- Friends of Friends. Pair up your friends who you think might get on well. Go out for a drink, for example, as a group of three or four, or go on a short trip. Get paired up: Ask your friends which of their friends you don’t know yet and who you could get on well with – go for a coffee. This not only creates new friendships, but also circles of friends.
- Invite your loved ones who don’t know each other yet or don’t know each other very well to your place. Have a craft evening, a cheese platter, read quotes from your favorite books, play a game or go to a wine tasting.
- Find a steady hobby, i.e. an activity that you enjoy. This can be something new or something you already do. ‘Regularity’ is the key word here! People at the gym, ceramics studios, dance classes or pub quizzes will recognize each other over time, develop relationships and/or enjoy forming smaller or larger groups.
- Similar, but different: find people with common interests. For example, you can start a reading circle or join an online reading circle. Video game nights, museum tours, community bike kitchen, fashion repair café, hiking group, community garden – the sky is your limit.
Exercise: take a piece of paper, this magazine or your cell phone and write down 5 things you’ve been wanting to try for a while! Whether it’s pottery, trekking, learning a language, painting landscapes, meditating, singing or finally learning to do a handstand. Choose one thing from your list that you would like to do in a group. Now google courses, clubs, events & sign up. Can’t find anything on the internet? Use your (social) networks to ask who would be interested and organize that forest walk, choir, painting afternoon, flea market or handstand workshop.
- Nurture your existing relationships. There are always new things to discover in relationships. Go on a trip, spend more time together than usual, look for new topics of conversation or activities. (Tip: You can, for example, pretend you’re on vacation in your city/region – how would you spend your vacation? Our vacation selves often behave differently from our everyday selves). Relationships and community grow through nurturing.
- Community events. Go to an exhibition opening, panel discussion, party, protest, movie screening or workshop. If there is no queer event to your liking in your area: Organize a small exhibit or party yourself with a good theme (for example, “Bring a friend none/most of your friends don’t know”).
- The Apps. Some dating apps have a “friends option” (e.g. Bumble). You can also put the types of relationships you’re looking for in your descriptions (e.g. a buddy to go on nature trips with). Don’t forget: Many adults are looking for new friends – this is normal and okay and not weird.
- Have the courage. Go to the sewing studio, go to the queer event, talk to the nice person. There is hardly any connection without vulnerability or risk. We are all insecure in these situations, we all find it awkward sometimes, we all want connection and community. No shame in that! Therefore: No shame/fucks to be given. Be the person who is not too cool to start a conversation. You got this!
Three final tips. First, how to deal with rejection: Being rejected feels terrible. After a “no”, see what makes you feel better: encouragement and kind words from a friend or family member, a good phone call, writing in your diary or inviting yourself out for an ice cream. Ultimately, rejection also brings us one step closer to finding new relationships: We practice trusting ourselves and thus find people we are compatible with. Secondly, be honest with yourself and your resources. The desire for new friends/communities and the capacity to actively participate in relationships and community are two different things. So that you can maintain your own boundaries well and others can rely on you, write down how much time, emotional closeness, physical energy and other resources you have available. Thirdly, lower your expectations: you don’t have to become BFFs (best friends forever). Good “vibes” are enough. Our friends are our community, but not every person in our communities has to be a good friend. The red boots may or may not become your new everyday shoes. It’s about having a good time, feeling connected and getting to know and giving space to different aspects of yourself and others.
Sources
- Post on Instagram: “Are you Looking for Community or Friends?” by Ashtin Berry (@thecollectress).
- Podcast: “The Secret to Making Friends as an Adult” by The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos (found on Spotify).
- Article (en Français): “ 10 conseils pour se faire des amis quand on est adulte ” de Marie Thibaud, en ligne sur psychologies.com.
Illustration: Ernesto Testi
Article translated from German
