UNFIDDLING FEELINGS #6

An Advice Column that fiddles about feelings to untangle some of your questions about sex, relationships, bodies and intimacy.

How do I deal with (different) expectations in relationships?

Friends expect support or more time. Sex partners expect physicality. Partners expect us to comfort them more. Work colleagues expect more understanding. And we expect from ourselves an orgasm. There are many different types and qualities of expectations and sometimes they put us under a lot of pressure. We also put ourselves under pressure because we want to fulfill (some) expectations. There are no general solutions here (you know it). But here are a few questions for you if you find yourself more or less stressed by expectations, wishes and needs.

Firstly: What feelings and needs are behind the expectations?

Take a few steps back. There are often unseen feelings behind wishes and expectations, such as pent-up frustration, sadness or a lack of appreciation. Name the feelings. Once you have identified them, the next step is: What needs are associated with those feelings? For example: needs for recognition, security, closeness, distance, punctuality, honesty, trust, clarity, etc. (Tip: search online for lists of feelings and/or needs using non-violent communication). The situation often improves simply by addressing everyone’s feelings and needs in order to feel (better) seen and understood. Once we have a clear picture of the feelings and needs, we can ask ourselves: What specific wishes arise from this? (Tip: Google the 4 steps of non-violent communication.) A wish is not an expectation. A wish can be heard first. Then you can discuss whether and how it can be fulfilled – or not. This allows you to adjust your expectations more realistically. Realistic expectations take the pressure off.

Secondly, what are our communication and conflict resolution strategies?

It’s common for people to have different strategies for dealing with conflict in relationships – some people want to reconnect through arguments, for example, while others perceive arguments as threatening and divisive. How we handle and communicate internal processes can also vary greatly: Some need to verbalize their thoughts and feelings in order to sort them/ themselves out. Others need to process their thoughts/feelings themselves before they talk about them (google: internal and external processors). It is important to find common communication and solution strategies. This can mean ensuring you both have time during and after conflicts to process your emotions, alone or together. In close relationships, it helps, for example, to write down and discuss wishes based on the situation or to plan regular check-in walks. If the same issues come up again and again, an external person can help (such as a mediator, counsellor or therapist) to facilitate joint strategies.

Thirdly: Do expectations have to be the same? 

Sometimes it suffices to just talk about difficult issues and differences. Put the issues on the table and see how they develop. Acknowledge that we have different perceptions, strategies and expectations. Dealing with these differences and allowing slow developments requires patience and trust.

Fourthly, where exactly does the pressure come from? 

Are the expectations placed on me by others? Or are they (also) my own expectations? Do different parts of me expect different things from me – which I may not be able to fulfill? Am I caught in the trap of wanting to do everything perfectly? Do my expectations stem from social expectations? Understanding where expectations come from makes it easier for us to evaluate where they fit in: Which expectations do we want to fulfill? Which ones do we want to let go of? What does it mean for me/us to be good friends, work colleagues or partners? 

Fifth: expect and disappoint. 

Waiting can mean practising patience (see point 3) – but waiting can also mean that we passively “get stuck”. Every now and then we expect something that cannot be fulfilled without our activity. For example, we might feel let down by a friend but fail to tell them how we feel. Maybe we actually want more contact with them. Question: What exactly am I waiting for? Sometimes it’s not so bad (and painful) when expectations are not met, because we know that it’s not worth waiting any longer. When the confusion is lifted, something valuable emerges: clarity.