UNFIDDLING FEELINGS #7: NO SEX, NO PROBLEM?

DE: Eine Kolumne mit Kelly Kosel, in der an Gefühlen gefummelt, Fäden verfolgt und Themen rund um Sexualität, Körper, Intimität und Beziehungen eingeladen werden.

FR: Une chronique qui s’adresse aux émotions pour démêler certaines de vos questions sur le sexe, les relations, le corps et l‘intimité.

EN: An Advice Column that fiddles about feelings to untangle some of your questions about sex, relationships, bodies and intimacy.

We live in a world in which we are always expected to “do better” – this also applies to sex. Books, columns, podcasts and social media tell us: have more time for sex; have more desire, joy, connection and pleasure during sex; have more different kinds of sexual encounters, etc. But what if we don’t have sex at all? Not because we find sex fundamentally stupid or weird (which would be totally fine), but because it just doesn’t happen. Even though there is one or more people with whom sex would be possible. Many relationships are sexless – sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally, usually a mixture of the two (because how do we know what we truly want because we really want it or because we subconsciously think we should want it).

Why don’t we have sex? And why are we frustrated about it?

In general, our society is dominated by the idea that everyone is interested in sex and should be interested in sex (keyword: compulsory sexuality). This norm is enforced not only by the media, but also by sexology and sex therapy: If people do not conform to certain ideas of “normal” and “healthy” sexuality, they are often diagnosed with a “disorder” or “dysfunction”, such as so-called orgasmic disorders. So we are not only taught that we should have sex, but also how it is supposed to look like. In addition, our sex-negative society tells us that sex is “dangerous” and/or “morally bad”. This often triggers further insecurity and shame – or at least requires work to avoid carrying these feelings into our lives. All in all, that is a lot of baggage to put on sex.

This pressure to have good/proper/any sex combines with the stress of our complex everyday lives (job, family, friends, finances, insurance, social issues, politics, etc.). This creates a context that makes sex (and many other potentially enjoyable experiences) less pleasurable, uninteresting or impossible. Because when we are stressed, everything is perceived as a threat – even a gentle touch or a flirtatious look. This is because our emotions are all processed in the same area of the brain. This control center regulates our needs and reactions to environmental stimuli. This means that if we’ve just had an argument with a friend or boss or have 100 items on our to-do list, our brain is usually too busy and simply has other priorities than sex.

In order to allow pleasurable experiences within us, we first have to deal with the stress in our body/brain (see “How to complete your Stress Cycle” in the sources). Even if we are relaxed and create a context that allows for fundamentally pleasurable experiences, there is still the normative pressure associated with sex. Unfortunately, we have internalized societal expectations and norms and (subconsciously) judge our lives by them. 

Sexologist Emily Nagoski describes our expectations as “little monitors” (see “Come As You Are” in the sources). These little monitors inside us constantly display what we have internalized as ‘normal’ – and very quickly become impatient and frustrated if we don’t achieve these goals as quickly as possible (e.g. being relaxed, having sex, having sex regularly, having an orgasm during sex, etc.). We then start to think something is wrong with us, our relationships and/or our lives. The monitors shout: No sex = problem! The more frustrated the monitors become, the more pressure and stress builds up inside us – and the less pleasure, relaxation and sex we have. And so the “problem” appears to grow and bigger.

Instead of sex?

In general, there is no problem if we aren’t having sex (important!). Even if our feelings of frustration, insecurity and inadequacy whisper something else to us. We have other priorities in our relationships and in our lives – and that’s totally normal. At the same time, sex is often associated with needs that are important and nourishing for us and for our relationships. So if you’re frustrated because you’re not having sex, you can ask yourself: Is it really because of sex? Or is it because of unmet needs? Here is a small, non-exhaustive list of needs that sex can meet: 

• Adventure
• Excitement
• Playfulness
• Pleasure
• Lightness
• Enjoyment
• “Switch off the mind”
• Physicality
• Nudity
• Closeness
• Intimacy
• Tenderness
• Experiencing something new (together)
• Trust
• Surrender
• …

These needs can be met, for example, through gamenights together, a hike, naked cuddling, a bike ride, flirting while tipsy, a trip, shared plans for the future or a night out dancing. And all of this without the pressure of having finally the right/good sex. You can write down which needs are important to you and whether anything feels missing. Discuss with your partner(s) and also with friends. Make concrete plans. Take your needs seriously. And tell everyone who wants to hear it (and yourself): You don’t have to have sex to experience desire, fun, intimacy or excitement. 

P.S. And if you realize that you would like to have sex again in your relationship in order to feel joy, pleasure and lightness, then I recommend 1. reading Emily’s book and 2. a sex ban. A ban means that you can allow any kind of closeness – except sex. Because sex is never more attractive and creative than when the pressure to have sex is off.