Thank you for this fascinating and thoughtful question! Opening up a relationship is not an easy decision, as this kind of change often involves a lot of work and can be an intense journey of self-discovery. You might be keen on this experience – or you might not. Both are perfectly fine. However, figuring out what feels right for you is often not that simple. My recommendations are: in-depth conversations, a gentle start, support from books (and other sources) and, if necessary, therapeutic guidance.

Talk through your motivations time and again and the (various) challenges you both foresee. Why do you want this (or not)? What exactly are your insecurities and potential triggers? Which potential situations make you anxious? How can you deal with them? What kind of positive situations do you hope for? What do you imagine would be enriching and wonderful? Knowing each other’s answers to these questions helps you make good decisions for yourselves and for your relationship. Feeling understood in these conversations is one of the key requirements for successful communication and opening up your relationship.

Tip: Be as honest as possible with each other and with yourself. You’re not doing yourselves any favours if you have hidden motivations, such as opening up the relationship out of fear of losing the other person. That immediately creates a lot of stress and pressure. (And if you come to the conclusion that you want to try an open relationship, then the context should be as stress-free as possible.) If you notice that your conversations keep circling back to the same points and you’re not making any progress, counselling can help (see info box). An outside perspective makes it easier to spot entrenched patterns and helps to develop new questions and possibilities.

If, after some good preparatory discussions, you realise that you are ready to try opening up your relationship, you can make and discuss a few agreements: What is likely (or unlikely) to be okay for whom, when, where, with whom and how? You can then gently start to experiment, for example by flirting with someone else or kissing a little. Afterwards, you can reflect together: How do you feel about it? What does it trigger? How can you be there for each other? How is your communication in this new situation? Have you noticed any new boundaries or desires within yourselves? Which agreements have worked well and which do you want to change? You can (and should) discuss favourable conditions in advance, anticipate potential obstacles and make clear agreements. At the same time, you should be careful not to make too many agreements at once (this quickly becomes confusing and leads to disappointment if the agreements aren’t kept). Avoid planning everything down to the smallest detail or micromanaging (this creates pressure rather than actual security). Some challenges will probably take you by surprise – and simply giving it a go might be the only way to understand whether and how an open relationship suits both of you right now.

Important when trying things out cautiously: it should always be possible to say “stop”, take a break and thus slow things down again. This can sometimes be difficult because there are many new and intense feelings at play. In the long term, this option is often crucial for trust in your relationship. Here’s a thought on this: it can be helpful if your first experience isn’t with a long-standing crush – in other words, someone with whom you’re highly likely to become deeply emotionally involved very quickly. A slightly less emotionally charged setting makes it easier to get started and to talk about it. A positive first experience can be very helpful (especially if you’ve experienced trauma or had bad experiences in the past) in learning that opening up your relationship is a safe situation – one that you and your partner can handle. Support from friends or your chosen family can also help regulate your nervous system and make sense of the changes.

During your first experiences, make sure that the ‘new’ person(s) you’re flirting with or kissing also know that you’re in an (open) relationship. This is essential so that everyone involved can give informed consent. It’s also important to practise this form of communication for potentially more intimate situations (cuddling, being naked, sex, etc.). If your first attempt went well and you feel like opening up your relationship further, be sure to discuss: What forms of intimacy outside your relationship are (currently) important and possible for you? How do you feel about holding hands or kissing in public? How do you deal with it when feelings of love or romance develop? What do you do if you’re on a date and feel guilty about it? And how can you be happy for the other person? (In non-monogamous terminology, this feeling of shared joy is called ‘compersion’.)

Seek support from books and other information sources before, during and after your first experiences. There are now plenty of online resources on non-monogamous relationships and opening up a relationship. It’s not always easy to find your way around them, so here are my four book recommendations (and a podcast): If you only want to read two books, go for “Polysecure” and “Polywise” by Jessica Fern. I find many of the other well-known books on non-monogamy, such as “The Ethical Slut” or “More Than Two”, less helpful – in my opinion, you can skip those. If you’d like to learn more about self-regulation (complete your stress cycle!) and emotional well-being, I recommend “Burnout” by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Not just a book for people planning challenging relationship transitions, but for everyone living in heteropatriarchal late capitalism. To successfully navigate relationship challenges and maintain fulfilling relationships in the long term, we need to learn how to argue (constructively and fairly) and to resolve our conflicts effectively. The book “Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection” by Julie and John Gottman offers helpful further reading. There are many good podcasts. “Multiamory” is a podcast with a huge number of episodes, many of which provide answers to specific questions. This is where I learnt, for example, why agreements work better in relationships than rules (see info box).

Some things cannot be resolved within the relationship, but require a different space and enough time. Therapy helps us feel more self-assured, expand our options for action and strengthen our relationships – very valuable prerequisites for opening up a relationship. Good self-awareness, enhanced self-esteem and a stable network of relationships make our fears of separation and rejection (more) manageable. If you suspect or discover that trauma is involved and this is bringing up very difficult feelings, experiences and patterns, then I advise you to seek professional support. Unresolved traumatic experiences could also be a barrier to opening up a relationship. For tips on how to find a suitable therapist in Luxembourg, take a look at the latest edition of this column.

Ultimately, the most important thing is that you find different forms of support for this process (whatever you decide) that suit you. So that you can shape your relationship with yourself and your partner in a way that is beneficial, using as many different options as possible. I wish you the best of luck on this exciting journey! Feel free to write to me anonymously about how things have gone – I would love an update.