Staying Friends with Exes—Yes, No, Maybe?

Staying friends with an ex? Lesbians recommend this trick. I’m talking, of course, about that queer ability to break up and still remain a part of each other’s lives: it’s not just “Let’s go grab a coffee,” but it can mean celebrating birthdays, sending voice messages, maybe sharing a circle of friends, or even attending family gatherings. You know your partner’s new significant other(s), support each other through major life decisions, and probably know which pizza topping the other person likes best.

Ex-partner, best friend, chosen family—it all sounds wonderful. But even under the rainbow, not all that glitters is gold. Whether a friendship is possible and worthwhile after a breakup depends heavily on the people involved, the relationship, and, above all, how the breakup itself unfolded. Here are my thoughts on the matter.

Why Stay Friends?

In my opinion, there are many obvious advantages to staying friends: people you care deeply about don’t have to disappear from your life. Something valuable that developed during the relationship can endure and continue to evolve. An ex knows versions of us that other people may never have encountered. They know how we deal with difficult emotions, know our funniest and most embarrassing stories—and may have already heard them ten times over. A friendship after a relationship can take on a special depth. After all, your shared history doesn’t disappear just because the romantic relationship ends.

You also don’t automatically lose your shared circle of friends—which for many queer people is also family—and mutual friends don’t have to be “divided up.” In queer communities, social circles are often small, and in Luxembourg, they’re even smaller. If both ex-partners live in Luxembourg or visit regularly, they are likely to cross paths again sooner or later. So it’s nice when they get along well and shared events don't become a major logistical or emotional burden. Shared responsibilities for pets, children, perhaps a car, or other things built together are easier to manage within a friendly relationship.

When I talked to a friend about “friends with your ex,” she said that if the person she’s dating is friends with their exes, she sees it as a major green flag. To her, it shows good communication, the ability to de-escalate, and a flexible, secure way of managing relationships. Of course, being friends with an ex isn’t automatic proof of all these qualities—but it’s an indication that someone has the skills to renegotiate relationships.

Tips for transitioning from a romantic relationship to a friendship?

Whether the breakup was mutual—which definitely helps—whether it was initiated by one person, whether there were a lot of conflicts, or whether you simply drifted apart over time: In my opinion, it usually makes sense to take a little time apart first. A few weeks, a few months, or even a few years. The exact duration matters less than the opportunity to gather your thoughts and gain the clarity needed to examine your own feelings and needs regarding the relationship.

Only once the first relationship has truly ended can a new dynamic slowly begin to take shape. This also involves renegotiating boundaries and the balance between closeness and distance. How do we handle terms of endearment and physical contact? How often do we want to see each other or message each other?

Which topics feel okay to discuss, and which ones are still too sensitive? I’ve actually managed once to turn a romantic-sexual relationship into a “friends with benefits” arrangement at first, and eventually into a lovely platonic friendship. However, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that as a strategy. Most of the time, changes after a breakup work better if you don’t make out with each other—at least for a while.

When is it better not to stay friends?

This brings us to perhaps the most important question: Is this relationship, in its new form, good for me? Sometimes the answer is quite simple; often, it’s more of a “let’s see.” Sometimes people have drifted too far apart in terms of their values and life plans. It’s also possible that, after romantic love has ended, people realize there was never a foundation of friendship to build upon in the first place. Or other prerequisites for a good friendship might be missing: Both parties need to be able to de-escalate the relationship and be honest with each other. Friendship rarely works if one person is secretly still hoping for a reconciliation or remains in love, while the other has long since moved on. Jealousy, unresolved feelings, or the hope that being particularly close will somehow lead to a return to the old relationship can quickly turn a friendship into a prolonged breakup. And even if exes were particularly bad at breaking up with each other, making a fresh start can be difficult. Perhaps they hurt each other repeatedly over a long period of time and ended the romantic relationship far too late. Some things are hard to leave behind, and some wounds simply hurt too much.

Sometimes, after a breakup, you realize that two people keep getting caught up in unhealthy dynamics. Not every relationship gets better just because the romantic aspect is gone—if people couldn’t treat each other well as a couple, they won’t automatically get along better as friends. They may not be good for each other regardless of their relationship status, constantly triggering old patterns or hurting each other. Lies, manipulation, and repeated boundary violations are also a clear “no.” In this case, keeping your distance isn’t just okay—it’s necessary.

Conclusion? Maybe!

Probably the best answer to the question “Ex-partner friendship—yes or no?” is a queer “maybe.” Maybe a great romance evolves into a great friendship. Maybe it’ll require eight months of radio silence. Maybe exes who remain friends will stay very close, or maybe just loosely connected. Maybe their paths stop crossing altogether at some point. None of these outcomes represents a failure. A breakup doesn’t automatically mean that your shared history was worthless. And friendship isn’t a mandatory next step just because you once loved each other. After all, “chosen family” is, something that is - well- chosen and wanted.